A man traveling on Highway 1 today drove off Devils Slide and plummeted 150-feet of off a cliff. The 24-year-old motorist, whose name has not been released suffered minor injuries and was taken to San Francisco General Hospital.
The man was driving his Mazda sedan north towards San Francisco at 4:10a.m.; in very dense fog when he missed a turn and drove over the side of the cliff. The car landed on its wheels and the man was able to dial 911.
The road was closed for two hours in both directions while rescue crews worked to locate the man. The dense fog did not help the rescue efforts which were already difficult because of the precarious position of the vehicle. CHP and Cal Fire worked together during the rescue which involved rappelling off the side of the cliff to reach the vehicle and bringing the man back up the cliff in a protective cage.
Although the day started out badly for the man things could have been worse, the only visible injury he sustained was a bump on the head. CHP Sgt. Trent Ross said, “He did what he was supposed to do, he wore his seat belt, there is no doubt it would have been fatal.”
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You've got the right information in your lead, but a little too much of it. The info about him being taken to the hospital can go later in the story.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you don't get to the "news" -- a.k.a. "what happened" (motorist plummets off cliff and survives) -- quite quickly enough. Put that at the start of your lead.
P2: Good explanation, except how did he manage to dial 911? Readers will wonder, so say "the man was able to use his cell phone to dial 911.
Quotes must be kept exactly as they're said. You've mashed two separate comments together without the needed context. You could paraphrase part of it:
"He did what he was supposed to do, he wore his seat belt," said CHP Sgt. Trent Ross, adding that otherwise this accident would have been fatal.
The rest works well -- just tighten it up a bit.
* Devil's Slide
* 4:10 a.m.
* your next-to-last sentence is a run-on sentence
8/10